孩子拜託還給我自由！心累媽媽曬出「育兒疲倦日常」　頭髮每天超凌亂「一看到孩子只想裝睡」太中肯

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I'm thinking of starting my own antenatal classes sharing the lesser spoken practicalities of motherhood. Lesson one; how to take a shit with a baby in tow. Like everything with dickheads, sorry, I meant children, it's an ever evolving process depending on their age and stage of development. The newborn days are easy - they just lie there slug like inhaling your poo fumes whilst you leisurely curl one off and flick through instagram. ENJOY IT! But as they gradually become more engaged and active you’re going to have to get increasingly creative to prevent them from a) breaking your things b) breaking themselves c) trying to crawl back inside your vagina (as pictured here) and d) giving you an anus related injury whilst trying to achieve a, b and c. My advice; put a mat down, keep a basket of toys by the bog, lock any cupboards and practise your sphincter control life your life depends on it. If you know, you know #imayhaveaccidentallyshatonthefloorrescuingmychildfromdrinkingabottleoflisterine #parenting #pooproblems #antenatal #parentingtruths #motherhood #lifewithkids #funnyparenting #momlife #antenatalclass #realparenting #listerine

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PST 2020 年 1月 月 23 日 上午 11:30張貼

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After a long and heavy minged wait, I am thrilled to finally introduce the latest addition to the Crafty Fox family; baby Edith Margot. This beautiful little bean smashed her way through my cervix like a well oiled cannon, taking out 95% of my labia and bringing with her a rather unsightly anal sibling; my third surprise child - Herbert the horrific hemorrhoid. What a shock for hubs to discover the little fella making his escape from my bulbous botty whilst he attempted to catch the cascade of labour induced poo pouring gracefully out of my spread eagled cheeks. Despite his best efforts to preserve my dignity (he failed) and contain the cheeky monkey (he couldn't), Bertie, as we affectionately call him, proved to be a very determined nugget and officially entered this world on the 21st May, weighing in at an impressive 2.3lbs of bum meat. It’s been an emotional 12 days together but I think it’s fair to say, he’s changed my A hole forever. Now to find a lifetime supply of anusol and Bertie and Edith their first matching outfits. #twinning #analbaby #saygoodbyetoyourbumhole #babyannouncement #postpartumbody #postpartum #piles #hemorrhoids #pregnancy #mumbod #mumlife #motherhood

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PDT 2019 年 6月 月 2 日 上午 9:12張貼

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Oliver got invited to a superhero birthday party. I asked him who he wanted to go as and he excitedly exclaimed “Batman Mummy. I want him!” Ok kid, your wish is my command! But then I checked out the price of an Official DC Justice League costume - twenty whole English pounds people, for a toddlers f-ing party. That’s at least three bottles of wine babe. No, Mummy can do better than that. She’ll harness her super saving powers and check for one on ebay. Found myself a bargain didn’t I, a tidy little number coming in under a fiver. Get in! Three weeks later it arrives. Opened the package feeling smug only to discover I'd be sent what can only really be described as a pile of life threatening rags. Not exactly sure what version of the Dark Knight this costume is manifesting - I must have missed his Gimp boy sex pest 100% flammable dogger phase. The only superpower this pervert is capable of is spontaneously combusting and getting reported to social services. Nananananananananananananananana GIMP BAT!!! #batman #officialmerch #justicleague #dccomics #mumlife #motherhood #funnywomen

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PDT 2019 年 7月 月 1 日 下午 11:03張貼

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Tonight is the night beetttcchhees! Edith has finally been relocated to her own bedroom and I've got my fucking room back!!!! It's been nine long months with more bed hopping then I managed during my entire twenties - however the only testicles I've managed to fondle during this precious time are the mammoth under eye ballbags that have subsequently developed on my face due to said lack of sleep. Got an absolute wide on at the prospect of slipping into crisp clean sheets with a fucking light on and drifting off to the blissful sound of SILENCE. No grunting, no shuffling, no twatting white noise making my brain bleed and the freedom to release as many fanny guffs as I like without worrying I'm going to wake up the baby. Now all I've got to work out is how I get rid of my husband. SWEET DREAMS SLAGS xx #bedtime #wideonforsleep #ballbags #parenting #sleep #sleepdeprived

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PST 2020 年 2月 月 7 日 上午 11:07張貼

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My exact emotion when confronted with a piece of cauliflower. It really is the anus of vegetables - looks like a haemorrhoid, smells like a blow off, tastes like turd. #stepawayfromthecauliflower #caulifloweranus #parentingmemes #kidsmeals #baby #babyledweaning #mumlifeuk #parents #parenting

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PDT 2019 年 10月 月 4 日 上午 11:09張貼

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Edith has really been working on her CV. Her skillset now includes; anus impaling, vagina stretching, sleep sabotaging and her latest skill - nipple annihilation. Don't let those cute little toothy pegs fool you - they are digestive nip nuzzling razors. Literally feel like I'm breastfeeding an angry beaver with a body piercing fetish at the moment. She'll be happily sucking away and BAM! Her jaw clamps shut, those ivories bite down, my areola goes into cardiac arrest and my anus recoils half way up my lower intestine as her teeth penetrate my flesh like tiny shards of glass. SO FUCKING PAINFUL!!!!! Of course she finds the whole thing hilarious but if she's looking for future employment, I will not be providing a reference. #teething #teethingbaby #breastfeeding #breastfeedingmama #breastfeedingwoes #normalizebreastfeeding

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PST 2019 年 12月 月 19 日 下午 11:16張貼

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Thinking of starting a new internet challenge called #menstrationmugshots where you share a photo collage of your four most frequent states of emotion whilst on the blob. I'm currently on a perpetual loop of rage, anxiety, hunger and sadness. Ready to stab someone in the eyes but also just really want a cuddle and reassurance that the world isn't going to end plus I need an endless supply of family sized bars of dairy milk to deep throat until this hell is over. This is only my second period since Edith and honestly, it's a shit show. Why is shedding your womb gravy such a fucking ordeal? And let's not mention the physical side of things right now - what with Bertie bum grape thrown into the mix, going to the toilet is like coming face to minge with one of those flesh eating zombies off The Walking Dead. Where's Rick when you bloody need him? Fun times. #menstruation #menstrationmatters #periodproblems #period #periodportraits

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PST 2020 年 2月 月 29 日 上午 11:15張貼

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I have 538 people blocked from my instagram account and 508 of those twats are men - that's a disproportionate amount of dick to flange and it's almost always because of messages like this. Guys, it's 2020 for fucks sake. These unsolicited pervy come ons disguised as 'compliments' are NOT acceptable. "Oh but he's just being friendly" you might cry. BULLSHIT. He's after miiinnggeeee sweetheart - clear as bloody day. I'm absolutely not a man basher, but every time I get a message like this I want to grab the nearest pair of testicles and smash them with a hammer. I've been dealing with uninvited sexual advances since approximately 1995 and fellas, it's getting a little old. And if you haven't noticed, I'm actually happily married with children - it's kinda the entire premise of my account that you 'can't stop looking through'. So put your penis away, stop hassling women and pay more fucking attention. #dm #leavewomenalone #notinterested #its2020dickhead

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PST 2020 年 2月 月 13 日 下午 10:52張貼

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Looking forward to another highly productive week in lockdown trying to work at home with kids. Every day feels like a game of career roulette - which kid is going to sabotage my future employment opportunities this time?? Will it be the illegible email sent to a CEO by tiny digits smashing a banana into my laptop? Or the vital document sat on my desk turned into an origami penguin (albeit a fucking shit one)? Or the constant interruptions for snacks/change of TV channel/general bellendary that renders any task, however simple, impossible to complete? Or best yet, the cries of 'Mummy I'm doing a poo' and then an in depth commentary of his entire bowel movement as I navigate my way through a crucial zoom meeting. Don't think I've ever demonstrated such professionalism in all my life. Motherhood stops for no one suckers! How's your career going?! Hope your bosses realise that kids can be absolute dicks. Original song by @dollyparton Lyrics rewritten by moi Original recording from the amazing @musicbykateanddave #livinginlockdown #lockdown #workingfromhome #stayathome #istayhome #9to5 #dollyparton #staysafe #workingmom

Victoria Emes（@victoriaemes）分享的貼文 於PDT 2020 年 4月 月 14 日 上午 11:17張貼